Following blurry lines


 

I feel like a lost little lamb when I wander away from my blog for too long. Blogging and writing has become such a comfort to me in good times and bad, when I am happy and when I am depressed. This is a place where I can let my inner thoughts run free, like how a warm spring breeze carries away the seeds of a flower so they can be sown in a sunnier patch of the meadow. Thoughts like seeds can start out feeble, but when cultivated in the right location can turn into a rare thing of beauty.

I feel sad when I can’t blog, especially now that my job keeps my mind and thoughts so occupied. I keep trying to schedule one night a week to dedicate to blogging, but something always seems to pop up. Think of that elusive weed that no matter how much you pull it, it still seems to creep back in.

I have so many things that I want to update my followers with, but tonight I think isn’t the night.  In fact I really needed to sit down and do some more catching up with work, but my mind is so preoccupied that I can’t see straight, let alone concentrate on work.

Tonight I am beyond sad, beyond hurt, and even possibly treading the line of heartbroken. My head is spinning, my heart feels numb and thoughts are running a thousand miles per hour. I feel so unsettled. So tonight that is why I am turning to my blog. The one slice of comfort for my mind and heart.  I really don’t know where to fully begin other than just dropping the bombshell. Tonight I found out that one of my good friends was keeping a secret that she has been dating Mr. Teacher.

I know the relationship I had with Mr. Teacher ended months ago. I had cried and cried over him, beat myself up for ever letting my guard down for falling for him, even got past that the fact that he moved on. Hell even I moved on and jumped back into dating. However, I don’t fully think its the fact that Mr. Teacher is in a relationship again, but the fact that a friend to whom I had vented my broken heart to and even would share toasts to his classless jerk-status with, is now dating him.

Just utter speechless; yet, at the same time feel like my heart was ripped out from the gaping hole in my back.

The range of emotions keep flipping back and forth from heartbroken, to betrayal, to confusion, to jealousy, rage, depression, and numbness. I feel exhausted and confused.

The man that I let down my guard and trusted my heart with, now dating a friend and confidant that I trusted by inner thoughts and secrets to. I feel so vulnerable and exposed. I am even beginning to question who my trustworthy friends really are, or, should I even trust anyone any more for that matter.

I think what is really making this news hurt more is the fact it feels eerily close to the the situation with my ex-husband. How when my marriage was falling apart I confided in a person, whom I called a friend, for advice and for a shoulder to cry on. However, she was having an affair with my husband and used everything I had ever confided to her to drive a wedge further between my husband and I. Makes me wonder if friendships are really worth it!

Beginning to think there really is something horrible about me. Men break my heart. Girlfriends back-stab and use me. I  sort of feel lost.

2 thoughts on “Following blurry lines

  1. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Twice. I’ve found the older I get, the more I realize who my real friends are, and aren’t. And while this statement will do little to console you, it’s better to rid your life of those who don’t deserve to have you in it, like those two. Most definitely don’t need ‘friends’ or boyfriends, of that kind. {hugs}

  2. I think that overall I am a very trusting person. Throughout the years I not only trusted people I held dear, but felt they could trust and respect me back. After my ex-husbands affair and leaving, I had to re-evaluate all that. Its been a really long road in learning how to trust again; yet I still seem to be too trusting.

    This whole process has been another one of those eye-opening situations.

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