I want a Man

No one should ever NEED a person in their life. Sometimes it feels amazing to have someone special to love and love you in return. I think the one thing i miss about being married was having company. In the evenings when my daughter went to bed I enjoyed sitting around the TV and relaxing with my husband, well, now ex husband. Yes, our marriage got very complacent, but I loved having his company. It only became painful to be around him when the marriage started to sour. But I miss having company.

Now when the kids are in bed I find myself browsing dating websites. I feel so pathetic when I do that. I know that you can’t force a relationship, can’t force being in love, but I just get so damn lonely sometimes.

I have been on the single and dating circuit for a while now. Its been almost a year since the relationship with my last boyfriend ended. Almost two years since my marriage ended. There was a point where I loved dating again. Going out, meeting people, having so much fun, being care free and casual. But now, well, I miss the feeling of love. Loving someone and feeling loved back.

Tonight is my belated NYE. I don’t like to drink when I have the kids, so I only had a glass of wine last night. Tonight, well I had a few drinks to celebrate 2012. I am not drunk, but tipsy. Sitting here watching Family Guy I feel so alone. I hate this feeling.

I find when I get lonely now I start browsing the dating websites. I browse, flirt/wink, and maybe send a few emails if I feel adventurous. Browsing the websites makes me feel independent, outgoing, assertive, and desperate all at once.  Sometimes I think I try too hard, but on the other hand I feel like I will never meet someone special unless I keep making an effort to date.

Tonight is one of those nights where I think I sent out a handful of emails and flirts.  I even researched for speed dating events. Ugh I feel so lame.

On nights like this I keep thinking about the last guy I dated. I guess I should give him a  name. Well, let’s just call him “JS”. JS made me feel special on levels I don”t think my ex husband ever did. He was sweet, complimentary, sensitive, and I loved that he gave me pet names. I remember the first time he called me “darling”,my heart skipped a beat and the moment felt like a dream.  I also remember the first time he called me his girlfriend. At that moment I didn’t think I was ready to be in a  relationship, but my head was in the clouds and I felt all sorts of butterflies.

I miss feeling the way JS made me feel. I know I will find someone that special again, but in some ways I want to be with JS again. I feel so embarrassed to not be fully over JS. At one point I felt that I was over him, but I find myself missing him and the relationship we had. I tell myself that he’s going to be nothing but good memories and if I ever did get back with him we’d never have what we used to have. Its that thinking that keeps me actively dating. I just wish I knew how to fully get over JS.

Well…I know this is a strange way to enter into 2012 but I think love is what is missing from my life now. Up until now my life was a mess. I dated during all that mess and I am sure it was a huge turn off for many guys. But my life is on track now. I always said that all I needed in life was to sell my house, find a job, and then fall in love.

Well, my house sold 2 months ago, and I started a new job 3 weeks ago. Love is next in line, but the huge question is WHEN? Will I find him in my current travels, or will it happen like how most say it happens, when I least expect it…..


2 thoughts on “I want a Man

  1. Your post really spoke to me, in the first year after my divorce I loathed being alone. One of the greatest things I did was join a non-profit/volunteer theater group in my town. It helped me get through the year after my divorce (all those practices), it introduced me to a ton of new and interesting people, and is something I still do four years later. Maybe there is a group for you in your neighborhood?

    • Thank You…. One thing that I did do after I posted this post was hop on Meetup.com and joined a few meetup groups. I joined one for divorced women, and a few for single professionals. I had been part of a Meetup group for single parents, but the group closed a few months ago, but when I was in the group I did enjoy hanging out with them.I am hoping that joining these new groups will be helpful. Many of my friends either live further away from me or are married/kids. I think I need to meet some new friends who have more like interests and maybe same situation as I am.

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