A Diet Story, anger and revenge


Now that I am in Day 2 of my DietBet weightloss challenge I wanted to take a moment to talk about my previous diet experiences. I have had two major weightlosses in my life. The first was when I was a senior in college, where I lost 55 pounds in 9 months. The second was before I got pregnant with my daughter, where I lost 45 pounds in 10 months.

Other than losing enough weight to totally transform my body, both weightlosses had another thing in common. I lost weight because I wanted revenge. I lost weight because I was so angry at how others made me feel, and angry at myself.

My first weightloss was triggered by a guy I had a crush on rejecting me. I felt so unwanted and unattractive that I hated myself. I hated that I was so ugly. The reflex to this anger was revenge. I was determined to lose weight and PROVE to myself that I can be pretty and attractive. That summer I joined LA Weightloss and jumped in full force.

This is the only picture I could find that came close to how big I was back then

I started out following the diet plan. I chose LA Weightloss because their plan involved eating real food. I didn’t want to reply on prepacked foods. I had know someone who did that and when they went off the prepacked stuff, they gained all the weight back. I didn’t want that. As the weight eased off I started to exercise more. As the pounds shed I felt so fantastic. I had strangers hitting on me. I was wearing trendy clothes. I had people who only knew me in passing complement me and tell me my results were amazing. The attention fueled my self esteem and I kept going. By the end of my senior year of college I slimmed from a size 14/16 to a size 6.

After the weight came off I vowed NEVER to get fat again.

Then I met a guy, who I dated for several years and married. After 5 years I had gained all the weight back.

I was two years into my marriage and had an extremely stressful job. I think I stress-ate my way back up to that size 16 again. I changed jobs and the stressed eased up a bit, but the weight still stuck around. I started to feel depressed and started to hate myself again. I knew I needed a change and I knew I could get the weight off. I tried to follow my old LA Weightloss plan but the results were not the same, so I tried Sparkpeople.

With Sparkpeople I counted calories and tracked my workouts. This diet plan gave me more accountability then LA Weightloss ever did. I could truly see how much I was eating and burning off. I could also work in small treats from time to time. Calorie counting was a real lifestyle change, and one that really worked.

About 2-3 months into my weightloss I lost about 25-pounds. My clothes were getting loose and I was about to need to go shopping for “skinny” clothes. My then-husband pulled me aside and told me he didn’t find me attractive any more. He told me I got so fat that he didn’t want to have sex or even felt affection towards me.

I was completely fucking devastated. I was so disgusted with myself. So humiliated by my husband. Of all people he was the last person I ever thought would reject me for gaining weight, and after losing 25 pounds too. It was that moment that I felt hate and anger. I was angry at myself for getting fat again. I felt so much hate for how my husband made me feel. It was then that I felt the revenge in me stirring up. I wanted to prove to my husband that I could be attractive again.

I worked hard watching what I ate. I even pushed myself to work out more than I ever did. The pounds started to shed a bit and my husband got inspired to join me.   When my husband joined me we both started to drop the pounds left and right. Having him dieting with me was great. It kept me on track and it kept me motivated.

After 10 months I lost 45 pounds. I went from a size 16 to a size 12.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

After my daughter was born I was stuck heavy again, only this time I had a flabby tummy from my c-section.  I lost a little bit breastfeeding, but when I was done I gained more back.  I weighed less than my heaviest, but with the c-section flabby belly I was wearing an 18/20. I hated myself again.

Then I was laid off from my job.

During that following spring my then-husband started to snidely encourage me to work out and diet again. I knew I needed to, but he started to get annoyed that the efforts I made didn’t have the same results as I had the last time I dieted. I could tell my metabolism had changed since having kids, losing weight was so much harder. I tried, and little by little I lost some weight. After 2-3 months I lost about 25 pounds. It took a  long time, but it was slowly coming off.

Then I got pregnant a second time.

My weight after the birth of my son fluctuated like crazy. With my husband having his affair, walking out on me, then filing for divorce, I barely ate. I was breastfeeding and the pounds just slid off. The stress and depression I had during that time eliminated any appetite I had and I slimmed down to where I was before I was pregnant with my son.

Then I met JS, and well my previous DietBet post covers the rest from there.

I am back up at the 18/20 size again.

I am at my heaviest.

I am angry.

As I write this I am hungry, but I am too disgusted with myself to eat or cheat on this diet. I am so angry that I let myself get ugly again. That I didn’t pay attention to how much weight was being put back on. I am so angry that I want to workout until I feel pain.

The revenge is coming back.

Advertisements

One thought on “A Diet Story, anger and revenge

  1. How did you do? Girl you and I have the exact same story. Losing a man after baby weight. I too could lose weight before the baby. Also from revenge!!!! But feel lucky that you still have that fire. I’m so defeated by losing my ex, my good looks and body
    L

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s