I want to warn my readers now. I am feeling a little moody and blue today. I think my mood today is heavily influenced by the fact that “aunt flo” has made a little visit. When its that time of the month for me I don’t really get the typical PMS that most women get. I am kind of on the other end of the spectrum, I feel depressed.
I have been fighting depression for several years, but only for the past 4 years or so I have come to recognize and accept that I suffer from depression. I can tell when I am getting moody now. In the past I just wallowed in it until it was all that was on my mind. Now I can tell its just a down mood and try not to get consumed by it. I am doing much better now in my depression, esp when it comes and goes in cycles.
The one thing that I still struggle with is stress, anxiety, and fears.
Being a single mom has many stresses. Sometimes I feel so torn in so many directions. Both kids getting needy at once. Throw in a whiny toddler and a defiant pre-schooler, and its had not to keep my cool sometimes.
Even though my income is a little more steady than it was a few months ago, I still get anxiety with bills. This is something I think I will struggle with for a while. I think this is the reason why I haven’t done my taxes yet. The anxiety is driving up a fear and panic. I know there is no reason to feel that way, but the feeling is still there.
Another thing that has been on my mind is the fear of a broken heart. I have gone out with this one guy a handful of times over the past few weeks. Like “JS”, and another guy I dated last spring, let’s call him “The Scientist”, the connection was fast. In each case I got caught up in feeling so good and happy to be with someone who returned the affection that I gave all of my heart. I poured in my whole self, held nothing back, jumped in and fell in love. I think I did this in part because my ex-husband accused me of being distant and cold, that I never gave enough of myself to our marriage. Once I started to date again I wanted to make sure I didn’t repeat any “mistakes”. What I discovered with “JS” and “The Scientist” was that I was a very loving person, I did give all that I had to a relationship, so much that when they broke up with me I was devastated and heartbroken. I found myself more broken up over the 7-month relationship I had with “JS” than the 11-year relationship I had with my ex-husband.
Along the way I learned a lot about myself and my efforts in a relationship. I do give myself in a relationship. Probably more than the guy ever did. In the case of my ex when I didn’t give 110% it was as if I was giving 0%. That just isn’t fair. In my dating trials I can see guys with that same mentality very easily now, and I stay far far away.
Another thing is I discovered that since my marriage ended under a cloud of emotional abuse and withdraw of affection, I find myself getting easily wrapped up when someone shows me affection. This is the part that leads me into a situation where I get hurt easily. After “JS” I admit I wanted to feel “loved” again. I think my broken heart clouded my judgement and I was so focused on finding someone to “love” me back. Looking back I think I confused “affection” and “love”. A few months after “JS” broke up with me I met “The Scientist”. I fell for him hard and fast. We spent so much time together, and the more time I spent with him, the more I just started to pour myself into him. I uttered “I love you” to “JS” about two months into our relationship, with “The Scientist” I told him after 2 weeks. “The Scientist” broke up with me after 3 weeks.
I learned a hard lesson in a very hard way. I gave too much of myself too soon, and confused a want of affection for love.
But getting back to my story I started a few paragraphs above… I have gone out with this one guy a handful of times over the past few weeks. I really like him. I feel a connection with him that feels, well, natural. Sometimes it feels like I have known him for years. I also feel so comfortable around him. A level of comfort that I had only felt around my ex-husband (back when we were married) and my close friends. Feeling this way I just want to get to know him more, spend more time together, be around him. I also have no desire to hop onto any of the online dating sites, or even want to go out on any dates with anyone else.
But I know I need to be careful not repeat history. This guy reminds me in some ways of “The Scientist”, however all the good qualities and quirky personality traits. I feel drawn to him, but at the same time fear that things will end on the same note. I find myself wondering how long before we part ways. Yes, I know that sounds morbid, but I guess I am worried or scared that I will have a broken heart again, and suddenly again too. I think a part of that feeling is due in part of my recent “mood”, as well as trying to remember from past mistakes.
So I find myself torn between opening myself up more to this guy by telling him how I feel, and keeping an arms length so I don’t get too attached too soon. I really want to see if there is any chance of a relationship with this guy, but I also don’t want to jump right into one either, or jump in too soon (if that makes any sense). There is something about this guy and I don’t want to mess up a good thing. Its times like this I wish dating had a rule book.