When did I turn into the bitter Divorcee?


There was so much I wanted to get done today.  No kids, empty quiet house. I usually savor a weekend morning like this. I usually clean the house top to bottom, do a little laundry, maybe mess around online researching something that I had been meaning to look up, and if I feel good enough, pay some bills.

Last night I was itching to get out of the house. I just didn’t want to be home alone. I joined up last minute with a meet-up group who were having dinner and drinks at a local Brazilian steakhouse.  It was a fun time.  Not only was the restaurant within a 15-20min drive from my house, but it was a very friendly and chatty group of people. A smaller group was going to go Latin dancing after dinner, as much as I was tempted, I wanted to get up somewhat early (by 9am) to take care of some errands around the house.  It was my first time meeting up with that group and I will definitely try and meet-up with them again soon. I came home feeling happy, relaxed, and generally feeling good.

I spent the night watching TV, poking around Facebook, and changing the design/layout of my blog (yet again, LOL).  I was feeling good until I saw that my ex-sister-in-law got engaged last night.  Overall I am happy for her. She met a really great guy and they match so well together. My ex-husband’s sister is a sweet girl and is the last of her friends to get married, hell they all have kids now. I am happy for her, but…

Between my sister getting engaged a few weeks ago, and now my sister-in-law, it has opened a flood of emotions for me.

On one hand it dusts off the old memories I had when I was first engaged. They were good memories, happy ones. Now sitting here after all the mess I dealt with over the last 2.5 years and each one of those “happy” memories is now tinged with feelings of hurt and pain. I can’t think of one happy moment with my ex-husband without feeling incredibly hurt and sad the next. Part of me feels like my life was wasted with my ex-husband.  The other part wonders if I will ever look at marriage the same without feeling depressed.

I am divorced with two kids. I moved from a modest single family home in a quiet suburb to a row home in a noisy and crime laden-area.  With divorce my life has done a 180. Sometimes the drastic change is refreshing, but at other times its so damn scary.  I stopped looking, thinking, and planning too far ahead because at times it was overwhelming and brought on some bad anxiety. I try to live in the now, and only plan for the next week or so. In other words, take on life as it comes and little by little.

Another pandora box that has opened is the feeling of being alone. I know I have talked about being single and happy, and single and feeling alone.  I have gone out on dates with lots of guys since I have been single.  Sometimes the friendly company helps with feeling lonely.  Joining meet-up groups was another cure for feeling lonely. I miss someone to talk to, cuddle up next to, spend time with doing fun outings, someone who tells me they miss me, someone who looks forward to the next time we meet… someone to love me. It feels like is been so damn long since I felt all that. Sometimes I wonder if I really do remember what its like to be in a relationship, a real one. I have went out with so many duds in the past 2 years that I am starting to feel numb.

As a kid I used to tell my mom I had a cold spot in my heart. Looking back its probably how a child feels when they are feeling blue/depressed, hurt, and just want to feel love. I don’t blame my parents for any bad feelings I had as a kid, but I felt that way a lot. Each time I felt “cold” inside I told my mom and she hugged, cuddled, and kissed me until I felt better.  Just recently I started to feel cold inside again. Its a different feeling than depression, different from feeling lonely/alone.  With depression, you lose the sense of “feeling” anything. You forget what any emotion feels like other than being sad, incredibly sad, and then you feel hollow. This “cold” feeling is one where your heart just feels its going into a stasis. Its there, but barely beating. You can feel other emotions, except when it comes to love and affection, you can still remember what it feels like and you want to have it wrapped around you, however in that moment of time its non-existent.

My kids really do a lot to make me feel loved, but that’s what our kids do. They give back the love we pour onto them. They learn to love from us.  As their mother I want them to grow up to be loving and caring people, so it makes me happy when they shower me with love. I give them all the love I have and it feel so good to see them glowing in it, to see them happy.

However, I feel like I give out lots of love, but I don’t really know how it feels to have someone love and care for ME. I am beginning to forget what it feels like to feel love from someone.  I went back into the dating having hope that I would find someone I was really meant to be with. Not only find out the kind of person who is good for me, but someone that I could love forever.  After 2 years or so I don’t think such a person really exists for me, if they do they are already taken. I honestly have no idea what to do with myself. Taking a break from dating seems like the best course, however love doesn’t happen by chance, or does it?

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