On the dark side of Green

Today is St. Patrick’s Day. Being part Irish, this is a day of celebrating that side of my heritage. Given that my married name is Irish, and something I just can’t wait to shed, celebrating this holiday is a bit of a two-edged sword.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting since the Sailor set his course for his final journey, one to which I now accept means him never returning. I have been looking back at some of the guys I have dated since I first entered the dating arena as a teen, and wondering what have I learned over the years. Wondering after all this time what has been my biggest downfall in finding love.

I have dated some guys based on mutual interests and connections, meaning we had so much in common it seemed like we were two peas in a pod. These relationships started out with so much fun.  I always looked forward to seeing these types of guys again. They each made me feel like myself in a way that I had forgotten about, a part of me that felt natural. Sadly as time went on our slight differences started to break through and common interests seemed less and less. Eventually our separate lives drove a wedge between romance and friends, and eventually we just ended up staying good friends. Guys like this always make me smile when I hear from them. They remind me of how it feels to love on spontenanity, but at the same time the “love affair” was so short lived it felt shallow when I looked back at it.

I have dated other guys by way of chance, meaning they arrived in my life at a moment where I least expected it and where they courted me hard enough that I just let myself fall into loving them. I think most of my long term relationships fell into this category. They say love happens when you least expect it, and these guys seemed to prove that theory. When these relationships ended I was hit hard. Interesting how they started with very few expectations, captured my heart, and then blind-sided me when it was over. These guys taught me how to look for love in places I never thought to look, showed me a side of myself that I never knew I had, and made me yearn to be forever loved for myself as a whole, instead of just a connection. These were the guys who when they were gone I spent many weeks wondering if I let “the one” slip through my fingers, and if I’ll ever have the chance to feel love like that again. These guys are so few and far between that I can easily count them on one hand. These are the guys who I wonder if we were doomed from the start, or if fate brought us together at the wrong moment. Some times I wish fate would give me a second chance, but I am not that lucky of a person.

When I start to reflect too much like this I easily find myself getting jealous of many of my friends, and even strangers. Most of my friends are married, another small percentage are in relationships, only a handful are single (and oddly by the same token, single guys too).  I miss being in a loving relationship. I miss my old life being married with kids. Yes, my marriage was bad and it needed to end, but looking back at when times in my marriage were good, I miss those moments. I find my heart getting jealous. It seems like most people can easily find love and for some reason love keeps alluding me. I have no idea if its a character flaw on my part, or if I am trying too hard for “perfection”.  I was once told by a friend that finding your soul mate won’t be the “perfect” person, but one that is “perfect for you”. This “person” will be one who will look past your flaws and love the you within, and you will do the same for them.  When I was first told this I had hope that it was how love would happen to me, but as time goes on, I feel like eventually there will be no one left that is that missing puzzle piece. I am really trying to avoid settling for “I guess that will have to do”.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, I don’t have the kids, and I don’t want to be alone tonight. I did manage to find a friend to hang with tonight, but I don’t think my heart is fully into being out and social. Going out tonight is a distraction, one to help me forget the “by chance” guys until the next one crosses my path.

Erin Go Blah!


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