Being Happy

Its been nearly 5 years since I was pregnant with DD, and over 2 years since I was pregnant with DS.

My first pregnancy was clouded with depression. I don’t know why I really felt so depressed, but I think it was triggered by knowing my life was drastically changing and I wasn’t fully mentally ready for that change. I also had a fear of not knowing what to expect, or how to prepare. I guess I sold myself short on my abilities to care for a baby. Even though some of the depression lifted as my pregnancy progressed, after my daughter was born I felt the PPD take over me. I tried to fight it, tried to deny it, but I felt like a shell. It took  6months to accept my PPD and almost a year of therapy to recover from it. Looking back I wish I would have got help sooner so I could have been a happier mommy to my daughter, however I did get happy eventually and to this day my daughter sees her mother as happy.

I was very happy and excited when I found out I was pregnant the second time around. I think I was ready for another child, plus I knew what to expect. I also felt early on that my second child was a boy and was excited to have one of each sex. However, in the middle of my pregnancy with my son I discovered my husband’s affair and everything changed. All at once I was scared and the joy I felt was sucked out of me. I found myself in regular crying fits where I would apologize to my unborn son for bringing him into such a mess. Even after he was born I would hold him tight, sway him back and forth, press my lips to his forehead and cry “I am so sorry”. I wanted to give my son such a happy entry into this world. I cried for weeks after my ex-husband left. Each time I felt overwhelmingly sad I held my son (the man in my life) tight, doing so was so very comforting. Sometimes I wonder if my bond with my son was strengthened because of this.

All that being said, I have mixed feelings when I find out someone is pregnant. Part of me thinks, that I am glad its not me (like I need another mouth to feed, lol)… but the other part feels jealous?

I really really do feel awful admitting that. There is NO reason for me to feel jealous. First I have a beautiful daughter and the sweetest little boy. A true perfect pair. Second, I am not sure I really want more kids.

The more I thought about why I was feeling guilty, the more it all came together. Pregnancy symbolizes the closeness of a couple and the love in the bond of their marriage. Being pregnant with my daughter I felt that way. The look of joy in my husband’s eyes when I told him he was going to be a father was priceless. He was amazingly happy. And the look on his face the moment he saw his daughter for the first time was probably the happiest I ever saw him, and I loved him more for it too. But, when my son was born there was a huge cloud over him. He seemed to distant, so detached, not just from me, but also from our son. I felt no joy from him, no love, and it was crushing. I think I also felt guilty for taking that all way from my son, and probably why I overcompensated by covering him with constant kisses (and I still do).

I think when I hear someone I know is pregnant, or even see a stranger pregnant, I feel a wave of sadness over me. This feeling is one that is reminiscent of what I felt the moment I knew my marriage was over and my husband was leaving me. Then I feel anger that my marriage failed. Then fianlly jealous that I don’t have that life anymore.

I know I married the wrong man, that I wasn’t truly happy with my ex-husband, and that I am much happier now. However, I just can’t shake all these residual feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if and when I could put all these skeletons in the closet and throw away the key.

Maybe the answer is love…


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