One Step Forward, and Two Steps Back with a side of a kick in the teeth


Let’s Play Good News-Bad News.

Good News:

I now freed up lots of time to dedicate to blogging and writing my book. This little blog has been puttering along nicely, but has not taken off in popularity as my old blog had. I had been wanting to dedicate some more time to get this blog a good momentum and and hopefully use is not only as an outlet, but as a source of income.

Good news is, I can now dedicate more time to my blog, the reason to which will be touched on in my “Bad News”

Bad News:

I was let go from my job on Thursday.  The parting was on good terms. I had been extreemly overwhelmed trying to keep up with the workload while trying to learn a new task. I had let my employer know that I was very inexperianced in the task, but they indicated they wanted a fresh perspective and an “attention to detail”, so they hired me.

It was a rough job. The commute was slowly getting to me (90 mins to 2 hours, one way). The workload was daunting and I felt like I made little progress. I cried at my desk, I cried during my commute. I was feeling chest pains and strong nausea. On top of that I only saw my kids for about 30-60mins a day. I stress ate badly and I think I gained back that 15 pounds that I lost. I can totally see it in my face, which just makes me hate myself for losing control.

After feeling this way I contacted the staffing firm that placed me to see what I could do about getting out of this job in a way that won’t leave my employer high and dry, but also keeps me employed/employable.  They contacted my employer, whom I think was not too pleased that I vented to the staffing firm. When word got back to me I sat down with my boss, where I think he knew he was letting me go before I could voice my concerns.

I was told the project was going in a different direction and that they hired 2 more people with direct experience. He told me I was doing a fantastic job, but realized that putting that much burdeon on me to learn something new on a critical deadline was not a good move. He indicated that he was going to give me a positive review to the staffing firm and offered to be a professional refernce for me.

I felt crushed and relieved at the same time. It felt good to be out of a stressful situation that was taking a hard toll on me, but I was now jobless with no income, again.

I do have some quasi good news.  I contacted my last temp job and they are trying to see if they have enough work for me to come back. I keep hoping and praying this job will come through, but I admit I lost faith in anything ever really going well for me. It seems like once I have something good happening in my life, or that my life gets back on track. I get derailed and left out in the mud. I used to think that if I was a good person who stayed honest, true, and selfless that I’d get rewarded with good karma.  After almost 3 years of pain and bad luck, nothing. Not only does this apply to my personal life and lack of employment, but to my love life as well.  Every guy I meet just wants to use me, none seem serious, and the ones who are “nice guys” just aren’t right for me (don’t want to end up in another bad/stale/complacent marriage, etc.).

I had a date with a guy who once told me that I should play the lottery. He said that with all the shitty things I have been through I am bound to be rewarded with something really awesome. He said when I hit, I will hit BIG. Every time I feel depressed or get very sad with all the bad luck I seem to have, I think about what that guy said and I keep wondering if he is right, or if dreaming only sets me up for more hurtful disappointment.

When I look back at my life I realize that I have never won “anything “. I have come close many times (I played “I’ll Have Another” in the Kentucky Derby, but played a trifecta, the other horses I picked didn’t win, so I lost the bet instead of winning $100). I have been trying to convince myself and come to terms with that I am an unlucky person. Hoping and looking for good and happy things in my life will only serve to make the sad and bad things hurt more.  Its times like this that I wish I had a best friend to lean on and give me advice.

So to end on a happy note. I lost a job, but gained freedom in mind. I now have more time to express myself in my blog and work on my book. I also have more time to get back into an exercise routine and recoup my “losses”.

I also have been enjoying a free month of Netflix and have become addicted to Arrested Development (seriously I can’t believe I never watched that show). I also discovered a British sitcom called “Black Books” which I equally love (and I wonder if there were more than just 3 seasons). I have a huge queue of movies and shows that I wanted to watch but either had no time to, or my ex-husband refused to watch with me.  I just hope Netflix doesn’t interfere with my blogging, lol.

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4 thoughts on “One Step Forward, and Two Steps Back with a side of a kick in the teeth

  1. Must be the season…I’m also feeling like every good thing I invest in comes crashing down around my ears and sets me further back.

    Sorry to hear about your job. I do hope it ends up taking some weight off your mind. I’m glad you’re seeing some bright sides – I’m not managing that at the moment.

    Good luck with everything and looking forward to reading more from you. (I’m afraid there were only 3 series of black books 😦 )

    Best wishes,
    Mik

    • It is hard to stay positive sometimes. When the mind is stuck in a path of sadness, its very easy to get into a pattern of self-defeating thinking. That was one thing I had to learn, and keep in mind, during my journey through depression. I admit going through the job loss makes me feel like a shitty person. I feel like a loser and in turn unloveable. But, I know I am not, and its just my depression trying to take over my feelings.

      So bummed about Black Books, Season 3 seemed to end like there was more coming.

  2. I am sorry to hear about your job loss but glad that you are looking at the positive side of things. At least you know that you can spend more time with your kids and getting your personal life back on track, I keep my fingers crossed for you on the job front!! As for Netflix, Black Books and Arrested Development – I think I am out of touch – what´s that??? 😉

    • LOL… I thought I was behind on digital media streaming.

      Netflix (www.netflix.com) is basically movie rentals but streamed online or by mail. I opted to watch via online. I set-up my Wii to connect to the internet and watch TV shows and movies through there and onto my TV. Its awesome. For only $8/month I can watch unlimited shows and movies instantly. I plan to drop my cable and just keep my internet package, using Netflix to watch shows instead.

      Arrested Development (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrested_Development_(TV_series) ) is a US show that was wildly popular a few years back. I am only now just discovering it, LOL.

      Black Books (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Books) was a show I just happened to stumble upon in the list of recommendations Netflix had for me.

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